The dreams would start with me discovering her in a strange place, like working in a shop in Queensland, or in a different country or at a stranger’s house. It was always a place where I did not expect her to be.
”O MY GOD you are here!” I would say to her when I saw her. “You are here. YOU ARE HERE!”
”Yes I am here”, she would answer.
”I can’t believe you are HERE! I can’t believe YOU'RE REALLY HERE!” I remember thinking over and over again. “I thought you were dead.”
”NO Karen, I am not dead”, she always said.
”If you are not dead, then where have you been all this time?” I would ask her, shocked and confused?
The initial shock, she was actually with me after not seeing her for so long, would go on for a while. Then, when I calmed down, I would ask her more questions like, What have you been doing all this time? Who have you been with? Where have you been living? I still can’t believe you are here!
The dreams were always confusing and disjointed as I tried to remember them in the morning. I was interpreting them through my own personal belief system, with my fears and misunderstanding of the eternal life experience.
Anger was the dominant feeling I would remember as I awoke in the morning. If she didn’t die and she has been alive ALL this time, why the hell didn’t she want to be with my brothers and me? I would think while I was having the dream. Why didn’t she want to be with us? Didn’t she like us anymore? You’ve abandoned me, was what I felt when she informed me she didn’t die. But as the daylight hours hit my waking mind I realised it was all just a dream and she was still dead. Phew! She didn’t really abandon me. It was all just a dream. As real as it seemed, she was still not here in this physical life.